Comedy

eyecatcher

Member
Member
Messages
1,053
Likes
391
The "Chicken" Dilemma Thoroughly Reviewed
DONALD TRUMP: No Mexican chickens will cross the road because we
will build a wall and will make Mexico pay for it.

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear: If the chickens like
their eggs, they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to
cross the road to surrender her eggs but must share her eggs with other
chickens that did not lay any eggs of their own.

JOHN McCain: My friends, the chicken crossed the road
because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue
with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it
make why the chicken crossed the road!

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can
clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the
road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and
I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for
it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken
won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side
of the road before it goes after the problem on the other
side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid
he is acting by not taking on his current problems before
adding any new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having
problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead
of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take
falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR
so that he can just drive across the road and not live his
life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a
chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access
to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's
guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the
chicken was going. I had a standing order at the
farmers' market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a
certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross
it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why
it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you
people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.’
Yes, my friends, that chicken was gay. If you eat that
chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we
sort out this abomination that the Liberal media
whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That
chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as
simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed
the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and
that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few
moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the
heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of
moulting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world
crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2015, which will
not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents
and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an
integral part of e-Chicken2015. This new platform is much more stable and
will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road,
or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one??????
 

eyecatcher

Member
Member
Messages
1,053
Likes
391
Dr. Geezer, an old retired surgeon, became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said:
"Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about modern medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
This is what transpired:
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "That's Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- box 22 is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back." (but hands him a $10 bill)
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer".
 

HeartyHops

Lifetime Member
Lifetime Member
Messages
644
Likes
182
That was especially for Cheesedog! :D
 

Mark87

Carpe Diem
Admin
Messages
5,039
Likes
1,214
Website
wisconsinsportstalk.net
LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.
 
Top